I rode the Thames Valley Cycle Route from 
Putney Bridge to Windsor. If there were hills, my calves didn't notice them.
This was never, nor was meant to be, a cardiovascular work out. There were herons who sat on the Thames path
near Molesey Reservoirs and blocked my way until the last possible moment. They flapped into the air with insolent laziness before settling fatly in my path once more. I felt sure they were the psychic equivalent of sleeping policemen. “Slow down! Slow down! You'll enjoy it more.” That is what they would have said if they could have spoken.
Admittedly, I became embroiled in a little altercation near the Ferrari outlet on the Egham by pass, and the one-way systems of places like Kingston, Staines, Weybridge and lots of other identikit towns, jolted me from my reverie back into irksome reality. At these points, where a single slip can mean a 20-mile detour around Slough, the Sustrans map of the cycle route became hot in my hands. It proved very easy to follow, colourful, waterproof, and with smart inserts on how to get through commuter town centres without upset. The only problem with fold-up maps for on-the-go cyclist, to my mind, is that after a little bit of folding and unfolding, a tear always emerges at the vital corner. Much better, surely, to print the maps in little ring binders, as for example they have done with the Hayes London Cycle Guide. If I'd had a ring binder for a map, that whole Egham debacle, I am certain, could have been avoided.
As I cycled these 40-odd miles, I felt protected from the traffic roar all around me. Sustrans has created a route that is a miracle of calm, though north of Windsor there is not yet a quiet path through the dismal jungle of Heathrow buildings and motorways. But even along the Putney to Windsor stretch, 747s are always with us. Only they interrupt the serenity.
From Putney, the route took me along the Thames path for a little while, then nipped through Barnes's interesting collection of Toucan crossings and cycle lanes, before switching, delightfully, into Richmond Park, where it proved necessary to stop for the first of series of unhealthy snacks at Pembroke Lodge. A Toucan crossing, it turns out, is like a Pelican crossing for bikes. The park route forms a by-pass around Richmond. As a result, I missed one more English one-way system and Quinlan Terry's Prince Charles-approved retro riverfront development, for both of which, Sustrans, much thanks.
After Richmond Park, I rejoined the Thames and swept through Teddington, where Magpie was filmed. Then I fringed Hampton Court Park. I hugged the Thames path tight as we swept through the badlands of the commuter belt. I have watched my Ali G, after all, and know that the feud between the West Staines and East Staines massives means that they regularly get medieval on eachothers' bottoms and, perhaps, on those of passing cyclists.
This is an overdetermined corner of England, where heritage history does battle with a frenzied suburban aspiration and just about survives, but only thanks to the suburbanite need to express its collective Englishness through frequenting cream-tea joints and wandering through courtly fields to stately homes.
There was almost too much history to take in. I found Runnymede, for instance, too replete with suggestion: the Magna Carta Tea Room, on Windsor Road, for instance. Nonetheless, I rolled my bike deferentially through the meadows where King John met 25 rebellious barons and placed his reluctant seal on the articles that became the Magna Carta. I strove to feel what the Ameri can Bar Association felt when they erected the Magna Carta Memorial on a hill overlooking the meadows in 1957. Or what the government felt in 1963 when it gave over one acre of Runnymede to the US to commemorate the death of John F Kennedy. At the Kennedy monument in this little bit of America, I removed my cycle helmet.
After Runnymede, I stopped for a drink at the Fox and Hounds at Bishopsgate on the fringes of Windsor Great Park. This has a nice garden for a well-earned sit, and is a good place to reflect on the equestrian culture that thrives royally around here. Then I descended from the tranquil heights of Windsor Great Park to Windsor Castle, that jewel in the crown of multiple fudge concessions, gourmet coffee shops and souvenir emporia.
At the Theatre Royal opposite the Queen's pad, they are staging a new musical called Hard Times. Fudge-sated tourists and complacent locals mingled in the queues to hear the evils of Victorian capitalism expressed in easeful song. History has become harmless here and even our ancestors' sufferings are sold back to us for fun. I cycled on to the station, eager to leave.
Where to eat and drink: Pembroke Lodge, Richmond Park. Magna Carta Tea Rooms, Runnymede. The Fox and Hounds, Bishopsgate.
Cycling essentials
What to wear
· Loose clothing that allows freedom of movement is essential. Short, tight T-shirts, for instance, may look fetching, but they will result in an ugly sunburned rim in the small of your back. Trust me. Lycra, for some, is just the thing, though gentlemen who favour very tight Lycra shorts might do well to reflect that children and horses are easily disturbed by such sights.
· Waterproof tops and trousers are a necessity. They roll up small in your pannier and are extremely light. Forget them and it will rain hard and you will be very miserable. Gore-Tex is a good breathable material.
· Gloves. The wind and rain numb your knuckles, and if you take a tumble you are very likely to graze your hands. Gloves can help in both cases, though perhaps not knitted ones.
· Helmet. Most of the routes on the National Cycle Network involve tricky little on-road switchbacks during which white van men and boy racers will try to put you in casualty. A helmet will help frustrate them and, to my mind, looks quite stylish.
What to take
· Accessories. You will need a pump, a puncture-repair kit and a spare inner tube. The last is fundamental if you don't want to spend desperate hours hunting for a puncture on an old inner tube as dusk sweeps across the moors.
· Don't forget lights and reflective belts. If the weather turns, as it does in Britain, or you run out of daylight, these are essential, especially on dark country lanes.
· Drinks. Even when it's cold you will need to drink because you will dehy drate. Take a water bottle, preferably one that you can attach to your bike frame.
· Food. Cycling in Britain is hardly a gourmet experience and it's hard not to eat unhealthily, given the dictatorship of cream tea shops, real-ale boozers and fry-up devotees in our countryside. You might want to consider sandwiches, particularly those with a low likelihood of turning soggy during the morning. Bananas are good for energy.
· Sun-block is important if you don't want your arms, legs and - who knows - bald spot, to be red raw by the end of the day.
· The first 5,000 miles of the National Cycle Network opens on June 21.This is only half the story though. Sustrans, the charity coordinating its building, has another 5,000 miles due for completion by 2005 and needs more funding to continue the work. If you want to make a donation, you can become a Sustrans supporter through its website: www.sustrans.org.uk, by calling the information line on 0117 9290888 or by writing to Sustrans, 35 King Street, Bristol BS1 4DZ. Any donations made now will still be matched by Millennium Commission funds.
